Unease

Feeling of unease.
Resorting to writing it down here because I've nowhere else to write or to whom should I consult to.
I don't know what I did wrong and was given a silent treatment. And it feels really really bad. I tried to rationalize some parts but I guess the action against me was intentional, and it's sprouting so many doubts and fear. I don't like it any bit at all. I also tried getting clarification and was not given any, which resulting me in a very very confused situation.
And the worst part is, I'm very very afraid of losing. Not the fact of being lost, but losing something that I'm really enjoying. That I've felt very near to my heart. But unfortunately I'm not a mind reader, and I am in a state where I'm not really capable of guessing/reading what's behind it.
I want the future to be as what it's been planned, as how I would like it to be.
I am now actually at a place which I am/was considering to call temporary home next year before another life transition. And I get a feeling that I might not be able to adapt very well to it. I've seen the other person doing it and living it for the past few years, and although I've heard some complaints about him, I know deep inside he just want to help, want to pull out his responsibility. And after living away on my own for 11 years....... I don't know how will I be able to adapt. I am feeling very guilty and very selfish for not being able to take that responsibility with a sincere heart, not yet. Not now.

To that, I'm feeling like rotting in quite a terrible hell. It's a silent torture. And it's bad.




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