Guilt

Guilt.

Why does something so wrong feels so right?

Was hurt and now I hurt and in hurt.

My conscience isn't what my hearts wants.

Should I take a step back?

It never occurs to me that what's pictured or told on the screen hit me back on my nose. 

I'm playing a very dangerous game.

A game of which would lead to fire emblazoning to someone's home.

It's never been what I wanted from the beginning. Correction,  i don't have any expectation, no wants. Just rolling in whatever was thrown to me. I was in YOLO state. 

But somehow, at this point of time, I'm drenched in guilt. 

It's overwhelming, to know you're tampering someone's trust... Conscience told me I'm not doing right. But at the same time, it felt so right. Between 1,2,3.... 

It's not nice to know that some efforts were made to rectify when you're destroying. 

It hurts.

It's heart wrenching.

Should I step back?

Should I give space?

Should I forego my happiness?

Should I let happiness be where it belongs to?

Should I forsake what's given to me to its rightful owner?

Easier said than done. 

Easier to picture than to endure.

Easier to plan than to execute.

Rizq

On another note;
Today I visited my friend's place, chit chatting with his mum and grams.
Brought over Nasi lemak to have with them since I arrived quite early. I've known those two ladies quite long time ago. Almost 8 years I guess.
So there we go having breakfast at the kitchen. And the grandma offered me laksa Johor, saying that they have some laksa paste made earlier, just need some heating. I thought that it would be rude to decline their offer.
So while I was having the laksa (mind you, we all ate Nasi lemak I brought, and they cook me one portion of laksa just for me, one people, ONE), the grandma mentioned about one thing that struck my conscience, about rizq.
She was saying that I'm so lucky, Murah rezeki as we Malays call it.
She said that, it's my rizq is in abundance, I came to their house, they can offer me the laksa with all the condiments, they said that they have the cucumber in the fridge, they just got a pineapple, and they have some daun kesum still in the fridge. Meaning that, they can serve me with a complete set of a laksa Johore could be.
On top of that, the grams mentioned that, even the pineapple they had was sweet.
Then there was this ripe mango on the table, and once again, they peeled it off, served it to me. And once again grams said, "ha, it's really your rizq. Sweet pineapple, ripe and sweet mango for you today. ". She mentioned that, if the rizq set and given from Allah is not there written for them, at times when people visit their place, they might have nothing to serve, or incomplete ingredients to make any dishes or even not having energy to serve their visitors.

It struck me. Struck me twice.
I think I may have not really thought or ignore these small signs of the Almighty.
I guess I'm too absorbed into looking at those materialistic pov and forgot that rizq comes in so many ways, resulting in me not realizing I'm sooooo blessed in so many ways! Be grateful people. Grateful for all the small things in life you got to enjoy. And don't forget to have fun!


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Unease

Feeling of unease.
Resorting to writing it down here because I've nowhere else to write or to whom should I consult to.
I don't know what I did wrong and was given a silent treatment. And it feels really really bad. I tried to rationalize some parts but I guess the action against me was intentional, and it's sprouting so many doubts and fear. I don't like it any bit at all. I also tried getting clarification and was not given any, which resulting me in a very very confused situation.
And the worst part is, I'm very very afraid of losing. Not the fact of being lost, but losing something that I'm really enjoying. That I've felt very near to my heart. But unfortunately I'm not a mind reader, and I am in a state where I'm not really capable of guessing/reading what's behind it.
I want the future to be as what it's been planned, as how I would like it to be.
I am now actually at a place which I am/was considering to call temporary home next year before another life transition. And I get a feeling that I might not be able to adapt very well to it. I've seen the other person doing it and living it for the past few years, and although I've heard some complaints about him, I know deep inside he just want to help, want to pull out his responsibility. And after living away on my own for 11 years....... I don't know how will I be able to adapt. I am feeling very guilty and very selfish for not being able to take that responsibility with a sincere heart, not yet. Not now.

To that, I'm feeling like rotting in quite a terrible hell. It's a silent torture. And it's bad.




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